A Rant

So I've been debating about writing this...but I'm going crazy over here and having this as an outlet is what this blog is for, right?

So I wrote a brief post about how my husband and I use NFP.  We have been effectively practicing NFP to postpone pregnancy since we were married last June.  I've written a few lines here and there about wanting to be a mother, and how the desire started out softly, and then slowly grew.

One of the beauties of NFP is that you and your husband openly talk every month about plans for your family, what you feel God's will for you family is, are we emotionally/financially ready.  If you decide you're ready/God is calling you to grow your family, you don't need to wait to go off the pill.

Chris and I are both emotionally ready to grow our family, with God's grace, and if it be His will for us.  We both are still worried about fiances, but we decided that we need to trust that He will take care of us, and provide for us.

So, as of right now, we're in the 2 week waiting period.  And it's all I can think about.  And I feel like it's absurd because this is the first month we've "tried."  Part of my birthday present yesterday was a pack of pregnancy tests lol  I feel like I'm analyzing every little thing.  "Oh!  My boobs feel a little sore" or "Oh man I'm feeling nauseous" but in reality there couldn't possibly be a way I'm experiencing symptoms now.  And then I get mad at myself for not just trusting in God's will for us.  If it's his will we get pregnant...we will.

And then...this is horrible, but I keep thinking about my friend's wedding next year.  She had sent us an email asking if any bridesmaids might be pregnant because that would effect dress options.  I feel like the question was directed at me, since her other friends are using some sort of birth control.  My response was really that I had no response.  I honestly cannot say yes or no on the matter.  But dresses have been chosen, and ordered, and lets just say if I were to be pregnant for her wedding...I wouldn't fit in the dress.  So then would I have to opt out?  That'd be hard for me to swallow.  I have been friends with Kelly since we were 7.  She is one of my best friends and it means a lot that she wants me standing there next to her when she says her vows.  Chris gets frustrated when I talk like this, and reminds me that we can't base our lives around someone else's.  Which I know...again, just would be hard to swallow.

And then I actually worry about getting pregnant.  My mom miscarried twins before she got pregnant with my sister, and then there are 10 years between my sister and I.  My sister tried for 12 years before getting pregnant with my sweet niece.  My wonderful OB (check out this article about her practice, I'm pretty proud to have her as an OB/GYN) says everything is "normal" but that doesn't stop me worrying.

Basically I have a lot of thoughts/emotions swirling around in my head.  I so badly want to be a mom...and I just want to know if I am.  So, I guess bottom line, I'm asking for prayers.  For my sanity.  To be better able to accept God's will, whatever it may be.  For patience.  Again, for sanity...

Annnd thanks for reading the rant.  Feels good to get it all out.